The Edsil Tarkingham Sheep News Page
Sheep News and Sightings for the Week of May 3
3 May, 1998, PARIS: SHEEP SURROUNDED THE BASE OF THE Eiffel Tower this morning, protesting the lack of human-sheep equity in labour unions. They also demand that sheep be allowed on public transport, including the TGV, for reduced rates, arguing that their short stature qualifies them as disabled passengers.
4 May, 1998, HOLLYWOOD: MODEL CINDY CRAWFORD WAS SEEN with an unidentified sheep this morning. She claims that she was simply trying to rid herself of the baaing nuisance, but sources say that she was actually trying to get discount wool clothing. Shame, shame.
5 May, 1998, THE INTERNET: SHEEP ARE INFURIATED BY THE SALE of inflatable sheep models on various adult sites, claiming that the models are "degrading, obnoxious, unconstitutional, and anatomically incorrect". When asked which of their concerns they would like addressed first, they said "Well, we'd really like to see wool on the sheep models. We feel ripped off--they are marketing sheep, but we are not getting any slice of the profits cake. So, we think that if the retailers bought wool from us to cover their models, then we would be justly compensated."
6 May, 1998, AUCHTERMUCHTY: SCOTTISH SHEEP ARE UP IN ARMS, claiming that their ancestral land has been overtaken by the town of Auchtermuchty, near Dundee. The sheep are pressuring Auchtermuchtians to stop building houses, or, preferably, to move the entire town 200 yards to the west.
7 May, 1998, KALIGHAT: SHEEP STORMED THE TEMPLE, CLAIMING THAT cows are getting special treatment all over India--treatment which, they insist, should be extended to sheep, since sheep have done more to deserve it than cows have. Recent reports claim that the citizens of Kalighat are simply sweeping the offending sheep out of the temple with large brooms constructed for that purpose.
8 May, 1998, LONDON: ROVING SHEEP APPREHENDED ON THE UNDERGROUND--when sheep-at-large Thire left his peaceful Yorkshire farm last week, the LAST place he expected to end up was on a London subway, planting rotten-egg bombs for the IRA. Nonetheless, he found himself coerced into the suicide stinking, talked into submission by an overbearing member of Sinn Fein. Sheep authorities are investigating rather baaaa-dly.
8 May, 1998, NEW YORK CITY: SHEEP PARACHUTES FROM EMPIRE STATE BUILDING! This evening, a sheep was observed gracefully parachuting from the enormous Empire State Building. When questioned, Athe, the sheep, claimed temporary insanity, but upon further interrogation, he admitted that he really wanted to cause traffic accidents due to uncontrollable laughter on the drivers' parts.
9 May, 1998, FONTHILL, ONTARIO: SHEEP OBSERVED IN BROKEN DOWN CAR--This morning, police noticed a car broken down at the side of the road, containing a rather distraught sheep. "My steering wheel just fell off all of a sudden! I can't understand it at all!", complained sheep Thidrick Thmith. "And then, my girlfriend claimed I did it on purpose, and left me out here in the broken car! For hours, pedestrians and drivers have just been PASSING me, without offering to help!" It was at this point that the police pointed out that the sheep had broken down in front of an auto repair shop.
10 May, 1998, AUSTIN: A sheep was thrown out of the country by immigration officials today, after trying to tunnel into the States from Mexico. At first, officers mistook him for a black sheep, but then it became obvious that he was just dirty, and the illegal alien sheep was arrested and deported.